"The A-Team" (2010)

• Director: Joe Carnahan

• Written by: Joe Carnahan, Brian Bloom & Skip Woods

• Starring: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Quinton Jackson, Sharlto Copley

(Note: Sorry that I haven't posted in a while, guys. I had trouble articulating my thoughts on this film and I had a hard time thinking of something to say. Finally though, I got it done. Anyway, enough of my blabbing, enjoy the review.)

     Ah, June is finally here, which means that summer has started. Summer brings along dry heat, invigorating smells, and of course, shitty blockbuster summer movies. These blockbuster summer films usually end up being loud, annoying, stupid explody action-fests. After all, this is the season that brought us "Transformers". And what a better way to kick off the season of monumentally retarded explody boom-pow movies than "The A-Team", a retooling of the popular 80s action show?
     The plot of "The A-Team" is amazingly generic. Four members who are part of a covert military group known as The A-Team are implicated in a crime that they didn't commit which involves stolen money plates and murder of a superior officer. However, they were actually framed by a man named Pike (Brian Bloom), the leader of another covert military operation known as Black Forest. Later, they are helped out of jail by a CIA operative named Lynch (Patrick Wilson) with mysterious intentions. The rest of the movie focuses on their attempts to seek out and get revenge on Pike, as well as their attempts to clear their names by retrieving the plates.
     I don't know if it's just me, but I have a hard time believing that this movie is anywhere close in tone to the original A-Team, to me it just feels like a generic summer action movie. However, my boyfriend Arron, who is a huge fan of the original show, told me that it stays very close in tone and plot, so I have to say that if this is what the original A-Team is like, then I really have no interest in watching the original show.
      I'm just not an action guy. Even in action films like this, where it's meant to be peurile and silly, I just can't get into it. I like story with my action, and let it be said that "The A-Team" does not have an amazing plot, by any standards. It's your typical "we got burned by the military so we have to get revenge" bullshit. In fact, if you've ever played the video game "Army of Two", I noticed that I began to have traumatic Vietnam-style flashbacks to the plot of that game, where it's nothing but grizzled action heroes and annoying dialogue.
     And like that game, this film is full of "comedic" dialogue, or what I assume Hollywood writers think is comedic dialogue, but actually ends up being annoying and obvious and makes every single character in the film look like a smug dickhole. In fact, Bradley Cooper as "Faceman" was so good at playing a smug cunt that I found myself wanting to jump through the screen and tear his throat out with my teeth. If the point was to make every character look like a smug dickhole then I guess I have to applaud them, but it doesn't make me want to watch the movie again, it just makes it incredibly grating. And of course, since the dialogue is nothing but yelling and one-liners, the characters suffer as a result.     
     They're complete one-note cardboard cutouts. Simple character archetypes that don't affect anyone or make anyone care. Some people tell me that that's the idea, that it's supposed to be gently making fun of the grizzled 80s hero archetypes, but it's hard for me to tell. In my opinion it feels more like the writers genuinely believe that these characters are deep and deserve our sympathy, and the movie takes it's ridiculous plot so seriously that it's not that hard to believe. Why does every single dumb action movie have to try to wrench sympathy out of it's audience? Why does at least one character need a tragic backstory that is always completely predictable, yet we're supposed to act surprised and cry at?
     Luckily, the actors all have good chemistry together, and they successfully get across the idea that they're a group of friends that have been together for a long time, and in that respect it's actually slightly interesting watching them interaction amongst each other, but the only real breath of life in this movie is Liam Neeson as Hannibal Smith. He takes a character that is completely ridiculous and recognizes this, totally runs with it and BECOMES that character. Every small chuckle he gives with a huge cigar dangling out of his mouth brought a smile to my face. If it was anyone else in that role I would not have liked the character at all.
     However, there isn't much to say about any other characters in the film, they basically are all blank slates that serve their purpose, but they are all annoying. I've already mentioned Faceman, but I also wanted to ruthlessly murder Sharlto Copley as Murdock. Oh how the mighty have fallen. He goes from a tragic, hilarious, fascinating turn as Wikus in "District 9" to a generic looney toon who does nothing but jabber to himself and be weird. I'll never understand Hollywood's obsession with "quirky" characters that we're all supposed to "aww" at because he's so crazy and special! That crap has never been entertaining, and it's not entertaining here, it's just infuriating. And I'm sorry, but Quinton Jackson is NO Mr. T.
      But FUCK character and plot, right? What you people want to hear about is the action, right? The big, manly action scenes for MEN! Well, the action in this movie is just about the only thing that didn't put me to sleep. In fact, these action sequences are the most vibrant, interesting parts of the film. While the scenes with the characters bumming around and gurning at everything are painful, the action scenes are hilarious and utterly ridiculous, and come closest to the B-movie entertainment that the movie so achingly wants to be. In fact, this movie should be filed under the fantasy section in the video store, because everything that happens in this film is completely unrealistic and relies way too much on intuition and perfect timing, but that's what's so completely insane and fun about it.
     For example, there's a scene where the team's plane has been shot down, and they're hiding out in a tank that was stored inside of the plane. Knowing that they won't survive the fall, they turn the tank's gun sideways and shoot it, which propels them sideways. They FLY a fucking tank into a lake and fall into it, thus surviving the fall. If the movie had been more of that and less irritating smugitude, maybe I would have liked it more. Unfortunately, the movie just doesn't work well as either an entertaining action movie parody or a serious-minded action film. Despite some fun scenes, the film wears thin very quickly. It's like a Twinkie. Sure, there's that initial delicious, sugary rush, but in the end it just leaves you feeling very empty.
     If you really, REALLY like "The A-Team", I'd give this a look, but if you're like me and you can't usually get behind any kind of action film, stay away. Stay far away until Sharlto Copley becomes respectable again.